A year ago, on June 26, 2021, my dad died. It was sudden and unexpected. Although I had experienced grief and loss before, this hurt was deeper than I could have ever imagined. This weekend, June 25, 2022, almost a year to the day of my dad’s death, I will be performing a new solo show titled Fish at the Bottom of the Sea (Fish for short) at the Alberta Circus Arts Festival. The performance is a combination of circus, theatre and sound that tells the story of Eve, a woman who is grieving the loss of her lover who has died in a fatal car accident. As the character journey’s through her memories, seeking closure, she navigates a tangle of aerial bungee loops which respond to her movements, sometimes suspending her in the air, and connecting her, like a membrane, to her past, her grief, and her pain. This might seem like a heavy subject matter for a circus production, but I have come to believe it is this tender, mournful quality that gives this show a unique ability to bring us closer together after being apart for so long.
Photo Credit: Mike Tan
“I offer you my presence.
I offer you my feet,
my calves,
my shoulders,
my knees,
my hands,
my lips”
-Nicole Schafenacker, Fish at the Bottom of the Sea
My team and I had begun work on the show in January 2020, a few months before COVID-19 was declared a global pandemic and social distancing protocols demanded we place the project on hold. The beginning of many stops and starts in our creative journey. And, each time I returned to the bungees or the play text written by Nicole Schafenacker, it was as if I was uncovering another layer of the fragility and vulnerability that this project requires.
Originally, this project began with another performer, Samara von Rad, and I was the choreographer. But with social distancing protocols, it became necessary for me to step into the role of Eve. Embodying the character not only as a choreographer but also as a performer, I noticed parallels in the text with my own experiences of loss and grief, such as my divorce and the loss of a friend to suicide many years ago. Then, in the context of the pandemic, we developed a different kind of grief, a collective grief which occurred as we watched the numbers of the dead rise within the isolation of our homes.
Photo Credit: Mike Tan
“It reminds me of sharks in the sky.
It reminds me of being upside down.
It reminds me of hemorrhaging to the brain.”
-Nicole Schafenacker, Fish at the Bottom of the Sea
My team and I carried on, as artists do. We rode the pandemic waves and in late March 2021 we went back into rehearsals during a residency opportunity at cSPACE, in Calgary, eventually taking the production outdoors as COVID case numbers began to rise again. That year we had hoped to be able to present a work-in-progress at the first Alberta Circus Arts Festival (2021), but the festival was postponed until 2022, and once again we were forced to wait.
Then, 2-months later my dad died and my whole world came crashing down. My dad was the one who introduced me to theatre at a young age, helped me learn my lines for auditions and came to (almost) every production I had ever done… and I’ve created some weird art.
Then, 2-months later a friend of mine, a brilliant artist, was murdered and I watched as his wife tried to pick up the pieces of their lives and follow their love story to the end.
“I lie in bed and
watch the sky
turning grey to grey to grey
as I turn and close my eyes to find
the empty space inside my body
where my memory of you exists”
-Nicole Schafenacker, Fish at the Bottom of the Sea
We were scheduled to go back into rehearsals in late March of 2022 and I honestly wasn’t sure I could move forward with the project. How could I go back to the world of Fish, the role of Eve, with all the torment and grief inside and around me?
Yet, even as my heart broke open, the need to share this work flooded me. I carried on because I felt this story needed to be told. I was driven by the belief that people needed a container for their grief, and their collective loss as much as I did, as much as I still do. We all need a moment to embrace the pain of loss, and to explore the unknown of what might exist on the other side of grief.
Now, almost a year to the day of my dad’s death, I am sharing this story of loss, outdoors, in front of a gathering of people for the first time in what feels like forever.
Photo Credit: Mike Tan
“I’m there.
I’m here.
I’m here with the slippery fish.
The slippery fish
who live at the bottom of the sea”
-Nicole Schafenacker, Fish at the Bottom of the Sea
Susan Cain, in her book Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, says sadness has the power to unite us, and “…longing is the road to belonging.” (28). My hope is that as Eve tries to find peace in her loss, so can we. As Eve wrestles with her grief, desire and death, so can we. And, as Eve cycles through her memories and tries to rebuild her world, so can we. We can be fragile and vulnerable and breaking together and see what’s on the other side. While the subject matter of Fish might seem dark and mournful, I believe it is this gentle sorrow that will bring us closer together after being apart for far too long.
(One of my last aerial training sessions for my MFA Thesis Project)
Today is #worldcircusday. I am an aerialist and I haven’t been in the air, in suspension, for over a month. I, along with practically everyone else in Canada, have been grounded. It is a sobering experience, to say the least. Every day I seem to encounter a new stage of grief.
A week ago, I was on a Zoom conference call (a phenomenon that has become an unwelcome, yet necessary aspect of reality), with an organization called En Piste. En Piste is a national circus arts alliance aimed at promoting, valourizing, representing and providing access to services for professional circus artists and arts organizers in Canada. The purpose of this meeting was to survey the needs of those in the circus industry given the current changes to the arts sector and to gather feedback on how the industry might be able to move forward with the idea that isolation may be the new normal. “We need to be thinking about how circus can adapt with the understanding that things might not return to normal until December at the earliest”, said Christine Bouchard, executive director of En Piste. DECEMBER! My heart sank.
I asked myself two questions. First, will I recover? As an aerialist, can I realistically expect to be back at work in the air after taking 8-9 months off of my training on the equipment? No. Realistically, things will not be back to normal. Then I asked myself a more important question, is going back to normal what I want?
“…perhaps we need to surrender rather than resist. Perhaps we need to transform.”
I recognize that right now there’s a lot of toxic positivity going around. When I see someone talking about how great of an opportunity social distancing is on my Facebook and Instagram feed my knee-jerk reaction is to unfollow them. Not only is this a very privileged outlook, but I also feel sad and I don’t want to stuff all my feelings down to be productive and positive right now.
And yet…
If this truly is our new reality. If theatres, and circus tents, and arenas can’t reopen their doors in the foreseeable future, perhaps we need to surrender rather than resist. Perhaps we need to transform.
My perception of the circus has always been tied to the notion of achievement.
“Look at this cool new thing I did!”
“See how high I can climb, how fast I can spin?”
(Photo: Me doing a cool thing in the air and sharing it with the world)
For many, including myself, the circus is an outward display of strong, brave and bold physical artistry.
This outward display of skill is likely not going away (nor am I suggesting it should), but perhaps in this time of stillness and solitude, a deeper more profound connection with our art can emerge. B. K. S. Iyengar in Light of Life (2005) when speaking of the asana corpse pose, or savasana, says “a practitioner who can put aside his every identity can access places where no plump ego could squeeze through” (235). We, as artists, are being asked to transform, to reinvent not only our processes but our identity.
Perhaps now when we invert, be it on stage or in our living room, we won’t only be thinking, “look at this cool new thing”, but we will also ask “what does this inversion mean to me?” and “how does this make me feel?”.
“Our world is on fire, but the structure that is keeping that fire contained is community. “
As I sat in on this Zoom conference, which was made up of circus artists specifically from Western Canada, I was excited. This was the first time I had ever been in a room (albeit a virtual one) with artists from my discipline and region at the same time. The whole time I kept thinking… Community. Our world is on fire, but the structure that is keeping that fire contained is community.
In the transient and nomadic world of circus, the notion of community is felt under the big top and in the training space, but now is growing to include our living rooms and are homes, regardless of whether you are a circus artist from Calgary or living in the circus mecca of Montreal. Perhaps, after this pandemic, there is a future for circus where “community” can be understood more broadly.
And, not only is our circus community expanding nationally right not, but it is also growing internally. Our community is beginning to include ourselves. My heart and gut and spirit are now being given the space to be just as valued a part of my body’s community as my lats and biceps once were.
I read recently that someone had predicted that after social distancing ends there will be an influx of solos launched out into the world. I predict, or rather hope, that in the circus there will be an outpouring of work that is deeper, more sensorial and more connected, both inwardly and outwardly, to a larger and stronger community.
There are no straight lines or direct courses of action anymore. We, as a nation, have been launched into a state of the unknown. But perhaps in this place of grief, we as circus artists can begin the beautiful and challenging process of transformation.
Works cited
Iyengar, B.K.S. Light on Life: The Yoga Journey to Wholeness, Inner peace, And Ultimate Freedom. Emmaus, Pa.: Rodale, 2005. Print.
In a few days, I will be heading back to school to pursue an MFA in theatre practice at the University of Alberta. This challenge has conjured many feelings including excitement, curiosity, anxiety, but also fear. What am I so afraid of? Failure. But failure doesn’t have to be a fearful thing. It can also be an opportunity for growth and resilience.
Photo by Stephen Walker on Unsplash
Oxford defines resilience as a person or object’s, ability to bounce back or “recover quickly from difficulties”. But, is all difficulty created equal? Is it enough to simply recover from adversity? Or, is the bigger test of character, someone who can not only face hardship but learn from that situation and grow?
When I think of someone who is resilient I think of the refugee who comes to a new country barely speaking the language and having lived and experienced horrible things, and yet is able to overcome the odds stacked against them, learn the language, get a job, and create a new life for themselves. Or, the First Nations peoples who have had their land taken from them, and multiple attempts made against them to annihilating their culture, and yet they continue to persevere, to teach the next generation and care and defend their land in whatever ways they can. Or, my mother who when diagnosed with cancer and managed to survive the disease while still taking care of her children and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
My Maman- After completing the Run for the Cure.
These people are resilient. They have endured hard circumstances and seem to have returned to a normal way of being.
Based on these examples I’m not sure I can prove any resilience in myself. What hardships have I had to overcome? I’m a fairly privileged person. Sure, I’ve had my heart broken, and lived through times when money has been tight, but I’ve always had food to eat, and a friend or family member to hold my hand. I haven’t been to war or had my culture taken from me, or fought a disease.
If I haven’t experienced any great hardship, am I resilient?
If I haven’t experienced any great hardship, am I resilient? Is there a scale that measures one’s resiliency based on the adversity they’ve faced?
I don’t think resilience is that simple to measure. Richard S. Citrin and Alan Weiss describe resilience as: “Our ability to effectively plan for, navigate successfully, and gracefully recover from challenging and stressful events in such a way that we are strengthened by the experience.” (The Resilience Advantage: Stop Managing Stress and Find Your Resilience, xviii) In other words, it is not the circumstance you have lived through that determines whether you are resilient or not, it is how you choose to react to that circumstance and who you become as a result.
Nothing that faces any kind of adversity is ever unchanged. Even the trampoline, whose surface easily recovers from the weight of someone bouncing repeatedly on it, does eventually stretch out, and, with time, even breaks.
What is beautiful about the human spirit, is that it has the capacity to be impacted by its hardships, and not only rebound from the circumstances but be transformed from them. Not everyone grows from difficult circumstances. Some people hang on to the past forever, for others the circumstances are too insurmountable, or they lack the support or the teaching.
My greatest teacher of resilience has been my training and performing in circus arts.
My greatest teacher of resilience has been my training and performing in circus arts. Circus disciplines that require a great deal of resilience. The things we ask our body to do are hard, and yet we learn to persevere. We put ourselves in uncomfortable positions, such as meat hook or flag,we hang off of structures sometimes 50 feet in the air, and then we learn to quiet our anxieties, breath and perform. Although there are times when my body is tired, weak and unmotivated, I go to the gym and train anyway. Why? Because I know I will get stronger. I know that move that feels impossible right now, will one day be easy, “Learning to cope and even succeed with complex challenges effectively means that we build more confidence in our ability to take on the world.” (Citrin & Weiss. P.8). Circus has taught me that by not giving up, no matter how hard something may seem, it will get easier and I will succeed.
Resilience is not as simple as the Oxford dictionary would like to suggest. Not all obstacles in life are created equal, and the human spirit rarely remains ‘unchanged’ by difficult circumstance. However, a truly resilient person is the one who grows in their challenges and perseveres. The skill of resilience can be taught, but a strong will and support system is equally valuable. The reward for our resilience is not returning to “normal” but witnessing the evolution of our human spirit and the pride of attaining our goals. So, bring on the fear and the failure. My circus training has given me confidence in my resilience, and regardless of the outcome, I will be a stronger person ready to take on the world!
I have a great respect for circus artists and their constant effort to keep trying new things. Always asking, how can we make this better? Cleaner? Stronger?
But what about the why? Does motivation matter?
Why does my body move? What is the intention of the movement?
” […] in life, everything we do and say has an intent, whether conscious or unconscious.”
An intention in acting, also called a motivation or objective, is a driving force that fuels and grounds an actor in a scene. The idea is that in life, everything we do and say has an intent, whether conscious or unconscious. When an actor plays the intention of the character in a scene it can help give the lines a deeper meaning and a more honest delivery.
In circus, the lines of text are the movement and the apparatus (or other circus artists, and sometimes, the audience) is the other character on stage. When a circus artist knows their intention, they are able to unlock the honesty in the movement and breathe new life into what is otherwise a mechanical exercise.
If the artist doesn’t ask herself why she moves, how is the performance ‘art’, and not ‘sport’? What is the difference between a circus act and an Olympic event if the person on stage doesn’t know what they are trying to communicate to their audience?
“[…] in order to uncover the meaning the artist must ask why they move.”
In French the circus performer is often called “l’interprête”, the interpreter. A quick search on dictionary.com will tell you that a person who interprets, “gives, or brings out meaning”. Therefore, it is the circus artists role to bring out the meaning of the choreography, and in order to uncover the meaning the artist must ask why they move.
Triptyque des 7 Doigts de la main
I recently attended a circus forum in which the speaker, Samuel Tétreault of Les Septs Doigts de la main, was giving a brief history of contemporary circus and compared it to the evolution of contemporary dance. Contemporary circus is a rebellion from traditional circus, said Tétreault, just as the flexed foot in early contemporary dance was considered a revolt to the mutiny of ballet, not that long ago in circus a flexed foot was considered avant-garde. Now, contemporary circus artists wear street clothes instead of leotards, and in some cases, as with the shows of Les Sept Doigts, the artists speak directly to the audience, and share personal stories. These are evolutions of an art form. If circus is to evolve why not address the fact that these are human beings performing these death defying feats, not props or objects. They have two eyes that look out into an audience, a heart that beats and a mind capable of desire.
“An artist’s job to captivate you for however long we’ve asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky. And I don’t get to decide what truth is.”
In season 3, episode 17 of The West Wing U.S. Poet Laureate Tabatha Fortis, played by Laura Dern says, “An artist’s job to captivate you for however long we’ve asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky. And I don’t get to decide what truth is.”
In circus there are many things that can captivate an audience. The draw might be the strength of the artist, their flexibility or their audacity to hang upside-down from one’s ankle 10 feet in the air. It might also be the large (or small) scale of the apparatus, or it might be the number of acrobats in a pyramid. I’m all for being ‘wowed’, but personally I want more from my art going experience, otherwise it’s merely spectacle. Often times, when I watch contemporary circus -acts I can’t help but disengage from the experience. Without intention behind the movement I’m simply not captivated.
“I don’t want the glitter and fanfare if it means losing the heart, the humanity.”
I don’t want the glitter and fanfare if it means losing the heart, the humanity. The movement doesn’t necessarily have to tell a story to keep me captivated (although my mind may do that subconsciously), but the movement must have intention, because that is the difference between circus as a skill and technique and a rip your heart out, can’t peel my eyes off the stage, wondrous performance.
Intention gives a movement life. Intention is the artist’s job. Intention has a role in the evolution of contemporary circus. Intention is what makes movement art. And that is why the circus arts must ask “Why”.
What if this year you could create something that is as nurturing as it is fulfilling?
It seems like only yesterday I was concocting the ultimate iced coffee, and now I’m sip’n on the comforts of a homemade pumpkin spiced late. Alas, with the winds of change also comes the opportunity to lay a new foundation. What if this year you could create something that is as nurturing as it is fulfilling? If I could give you one gift this fall (besides my delicious fall recipes) it would be a daily artistic practice.
I used to have a “forever goal”, a goal that I always had but I never seemed to be able to accomplish. I wanted to have a daily practice. I made it out to be this HUGE thing. It would have to be a long, hard and rigorous. I sweat so much in the planning of my daily practice I never actually practiced any thing.
Then two summers ago I read “Creating a Life Worth Living” by Carol Lloyd, and I was inspired to rethink my method.
Lloyd calls a daily practice, “the daily action” and she suggests it be ‘fifteen minutes of focused activity performed every day at the same time of the day” (p. 4). She explains that “[…] the daily process is by far the most crucial. For it is in the present moment that creative work happens, and without a rigorous relationship to today, the power of tomorrow is no more than a shadow puppet casting elaborate shadows over all our endeavors.” (P. 4)
I decided that every morning before I did anything else, I would sit outside and drink a cup of coffee, alone.
Living downtown in a busy city I often find it hard to connect with nature, which is a big source of inspiration for me. Drinking my coffee in the morning outside gives me the chance to sit with my thoughts, without any pressure, and let myself be inspired by the fresh air. These 15 minutes are not a meditation. Rather, I let my mind be open, granting myself “fifteen minutes of emptiness within the blur of living.” (Lloyd)
Rain or shine, or tour or on vacation I take my 15 minutes. Even in the winter you will find me, bundled in my double layered down jacket sitting on my back step, watching the snow fall.
I believe that this ritual has unlocked a secret weapon inside me. By taking 15 minutes to be alone with my creative self, before anything else (that’s right I don’t even peek at Facebook) I’m sending myself the message that my creativity comes first.
I’ve been committed to my daily ritual for over two years now. I started my daily ritual in March of 2015 and I have stuck to it ever since. This level of commitment is not because I’m some sort of super human with unyielding dedication. I committed to these mornings because they were short, easy, and enjoyable.
“Don’t say you’re going to stop biting your fingernails, say you’re going to stop biting one finger nail.” – Sonny Krasner
One of the reasons I didn’t follow through with my goal of having a daily practice before was because I didn’t think it was possible. I couldn’t commit because I believed that “to practice” meant to work in the studio for 4-6 hours minimum a day. Sometimes putting all these requirements on our creativity actually limits our playfulness.
“Imagination will come to you when it knows that door is open” (Lloyd, p.7)
I work a full-time job on top of running a theatre company and training 12-16 hours a week. Sometimes these sacred 15 minutes are my only moments where I can be free. Through this ritual I’m “silently teach (my) mind (my) creative life comes first” (Lloyd p.9)
Since starting this daily ritual I have gone on to create great things! For example, I have written and will soon be performing in my own solo show, titled Persephone Bound, that features aerial circus, text and live music. I did not consciously think about creating this show in my morning practice; however, I there were many moments of inspiration in my 15- minutes, and those inspirations have weaved their way into several aspects of my show.
“Listen.
The weight of winter is lifting.
I’m ready to let the sun melt the frost on my heart.
Are you?”- Persephone Bound
If your creative spirit is calling out for more. If you would like more structure, self-discipline, and would like to strengthen imagination I highly encourage you to create your own “daily practice”.
Last week during training I did the unthinkable… I took my shirt off during training!
The studio was empty, and I had been working hard. I thought it would be nice to see what my lines looked like on video without any tank top interference. So, after a big gulp of courage and took off that extra layer.
What’s the big deal?
As a professional circus artist living in Montreal I have the great pleasure of training next to elite athletes every day. Being in this environment can be very inspiring, but it can also be intimidating. I can’t help but look at these circus bodies and think: “damn girl”! I also can’t seem to stop comparing myself to their bodies and think “that ain’t me”. I’m a mean, lean, circus machine, but all I can focus on while I’m at training is the fact that I don’t have a six-pack.
“This isn’t necessarily the fault of the circus industry […], but an issue of my own lack of self-confidence. “
This isn’t necessarily the fault of the circus industry, even though there is a great deal of pressure to “look” a certain way, but an issue of my own lack of self-confidence. Just the other day I was talking to a girlfriend who proudly announced that she went to her hot yoga class in a sports bar and tights. I was so inspired by her body confidence, and ashamed that I didn’t have the same level of self-assurance.
*Speaking of six-packs… check out this video by the folks of Cirque du Soleil*
Two summers ago my goal was to get a six pack and I worked with a coach to reach my goal. Getting to that level of lean body mass and maintaining it in a healthy way meant a high level of commitment and sacrifice. I’m talking diligent meal planning, not enjoying a pint of cider on a patio, or treating myself to a summer gelato. In the end I decided I wasn’t interested in attaining that “perfect” body image. I held on to the good eating habits and allowed myself the freedom of having the occasional treat. For me that is a more sustainable model. But, there was another element at play that I was forgetting… Self-love.
“Let’s face it, the biggest person judging me… is ME!”
I make a conscious effort to eat whole food, eat consciously, and limit my refined sugar. I have felt the benefits of eating well balance, and properly proportioned meals. But, I still struggle with having a positive body image.
That is why training in my sport bra the other day, and snapping that pic (see above) was such a huge moment for me.
I’m shifting my thinking. I’m proud of my body without being spent on getting ripped.
Let’s face it, the biggest person judging me… is ME! And I don’t want to feel ashamed of my body. I want to be proud. I work hard, I’m strong and my body is amazing.
So strip off those layers, and ignore the nay-sayers. We all deserve to feel free in our own skin.
If you want to learn more about “the cost of getting lean” I encourage you to read this article by Ryan Andrews & Brian St. Pierre of Precision Nutrition.
For support on finding a healthy balance with food and exercise, or if you struggle with a food intolerance, I encourage you to contact me for a nutrition consultation. See my nutrition page.
On July 14th, I co-facilitated with Nicki Miller (Only Child Aerial Theatre) a round table discussion on equity and diversity in contemporary circus presented as part of the OFF MICC.
Diversity has become a hot-topic at the Montreal Complètement Cirque Festival over the past couple of years. Last year, in the context of the festival, the Montreal Working Group on Circus, led by Louis Partick Leroux facilitated “Encounters with Circus and its Others”, and this year Andréane Leclerc, Angélique Willkie, Éliane Bonin, Dana Dugan and Miriam Ginestier co-produced Cirque OFF which sought to “assemble and advocate for an environment of candid expression and the exchange of ideas
to liberate the circus form and foster agency.” (http://www.cirqueoffmtl.com/mission.html)
Although each of these events had their own unique presentation models, they both featured professionals of the circus community in North America who are seeking an evolution of the art form to include a broader range of artists, performances and opportunities.
Nicki and I had a similar objective with our panel discussion.
What have been our limiting factors towards further growth?
Destigmatizing diversity as a subject and opening the conversation for further public discourse.
Photo by Wittypixel Featuring: (top) Xochitl Sosa and (below) Ellie Rossi- Acrobatic conundrum
Can white people talk about diversity?
We did our best to have as diverse a panel as possible, but there was one problem… We had a glaring lack of representation of people of colour, receive some criticism. I was told flat-out by one participant that as a white person “you have no idea what it’s like being perceived as a minority, and you don’t really have the right to talk about these issues”.
Which got me thinking… Can white people talk about diversity?
For one, I don’t know a lot of circus artists who aren’t white. Admittedly, this was one of my motivating factors for creating this discussion in the first place, but it did create a problem when trying to find panelists and audiences members of colour. I relied on my friends on Facebook and a handful of recommendations from peers to find panelists and attendees. I had contacted other circus leaders in the industry who recommended some people of colour, but many were on tour, or could not attend. We had no budget or stipend to offer artists traveling from abroad. The result was that we only had one panelist who was not Caucasian.
“I recognize that I am privileged, and as such I am compelled to make an effort to use my privileged and my voice to have an influence in my community.”
Secondly, as a privileged white person I don’t know, and I will never know what it is like to be a part of a cultural minority, therefore I cannot genuinely empathize with the issues and struggles a person of colour faces on a daily basis. However, I recognize that I am privileged, and as such I am compelled to make an effort to use my privileged and my voice to have an influence in my community. My objective with the panel was to create a space for people who felt they were not being represented or supported by the circus community due to their difference and to create a dialogue about how we can create more depth in the circus domain looking forward.
Despite a lack of representation of people of colour, our panel was made up of 50% women, 50% men; 3 Americans, 2 Canadians and 1 dual citizen; 2 queer, 3 straight and 1 non identified person. We also made sure to include people from different backgrounds including circus performers, educators, producers, casting directors and social circus facilitators.
Photo credit: Artcirq Iglookik 2005
We were not only speaking of diversity of cultural representation on stage, but also varieties of gender, race, and cultural perspectives) and in artistic aesthetic (theatrical tools, circus disciplines).
“I choose to use that influence to discourage systemic disadvantages and promote the inclusion of any person, regardless of their race, gender or sexual orientation.”
We asked our attendees to share with us where they wanted to see more diversity in circus. Some of the responses include:
Gender roles
Subject matter- beyond love stories with a male counterpart
Transparent, responsible, reflective processes of creation
Educate circus audiences of different, less commercial forms of circus
More diversity of preparatory circus education
Growing up with privilege, I have been taught that I have an influence over the way things work out. This is a great gift. Personally, I choose to use that influence to discourage systemic disadvantages and promote the inclusion of any person, regardless of their race, gender or sexual orientation.
“Through this panel I hoped to share the insights I have gained about diversity with my artistic peers.”
Yes I am white, but I support diversity and celebrate difference.
I wear many hats, and one of those is as an administrator at McGill University. Through this role I have learnt about various admissions process and outreach projects that have been established by the university in an attempt to diversify the student body. Through this panel I hoped to share the insights I have gained about diversity with my artistic peers.
Would it be ideal to have people of all different type of cultural backgrounds, sexual orientations, genders and abilities facilitating and attending these events? Absolutely!
I hope that the panel discussion inspired many more conversations. By producing this one event I have been exposed to so many more artists from different backgrounds and I look forward to including/ supporting them.
“[…] please educate me!”
And if you’re reading this and you are a person of colour, or any minority for that matter, please educate me! Share your experiences with me and let me know how I can help support your voice.
Léda Davies on straps in Persephone Bound, performed at Cocktail Cirquantique, April 2017 in Montreal. Photo by Louis-Charles Dumai
For the majority of (English) theatres in Canada a rehearsal period is 2.5 weeks long, the rest of the 3rd week is spent in tech and then it’s SHOWTIME! This is the standard theatre creation model. Generally, this timeline is followed due to necessity. Rehearsals cost time and money, and a show doesn’t start generating revenue until it’s got an audience. However, is this the most advantageous model? Is this model producing a high quality of art, or is there benefit in taking what I like to call “the long lens” approach?
The creation process for Persephone Bound began in the Fall 2015, and is only now entering the production phase. Although part of this long-term process model was necessary due to full-time jobs, and busy touring schedules it has given the production multiple layers, enabled us to integrate multiple disciplines without sacrificing quality or technique and has made producing this project financially viable for the small independent company that I run.
My partner Jed Tomlinson and I began exploring the themes and artistic elements of the show in November 2015, when we participated in AER Time, a work-in-progress showcase curated by Femmes du Feu.
We wouldn’t go into another creation period until end of June 2016. However, in the 6 months leading up to the residency I wrote several drafts of the script, and trained rigorously on the straps (the apparatus I eventually decided to use in the show), gaining as much strength, endurance and vocabulary as possible.
Léda Davies on straps in Persephone Bound, performed at Sans-Filet, August 2016 in Montreal. Photo by Hervé Leblay
We participated in a research and creation residency with La TOHU in June 2016. Our rehearsals were split between time on the equipment at the National Circus School and time in the studio (see: Screaming Goats Collective). The first creation residency allowed us to answer many questions about the project. We developed our own creation process, clarified the story, re-wrote the script, defined the role that each discipline would have in the production and specified who our audience would be. At the end of the residency I performed a short excerpt of the opening scene in front of nearly 800 people, and the feedback during the talk-back with the audience was very positive. But still, the project was nowhere near complete.
Recognizing that I needed to develop the script further before we could complete the choreography I teamed up with Emma Tibaldo, dramaturge with Playwrights Workshop Montreal. From November-May 2017 I wrote multiple versions of the script and would meet with Emma and Jed to update them on my progress. This time also allowed me to research the themes of sexual consent, the laws and the individual stories of survivors which enriched the script and my own character.
This past May we began a second research and creation residency with La Tohu. We reunited our whole collaborative team, completed the choreographic sequences and added the element of sound, which would be played live throughout the performance. At the end of the residency we were able to perform the entire production for an invited audience.
“Like the perfect chocolate cake each layer of the process added a satisfying nuance.”
By slowly building Persephone Bound over a two-year period we were able to present a thoroughly developed story and rich characters. Although many of the original scenes from the first workshop ended up being cut, their essence remained. Something that was once a scene might now only be a line, but that line carried with it greater depth and importance. Like the perfect chocolate cake each layer of the process added a satisfying nuance.
“With time on my side I was able to develop my strength, technique and straps vocabulary until the apparatus literally became an extension of myself.”
But these layers would be ineffective if the technique wasn’t there. With time on my side I was able to develop my strength, technique and straps vocabulary until the apparatus literally became an extension of myself. Persephone Bound features not one, but four aerial sequences and I’m literally attached to the equipment the entire 40 min long show. From a circus perspective this is unheard off. Most solo aerialists in a Cirque du Soleil production are in the air for 6 min IF that. But, having the extra time to train allowed me to build up my endurance so that I didn’t get injured and I could safely execute all my skills.
“I would not have been able to produce any of these workshops if it weren’t for my full-time job.”
Lastly, this long lens approach made this project financially viable. As I mentioned earlier, most companies can’t afford to take this much time to create a project because they need to get their shows in front of an audience as soon as possible to make money. The difference being, I am not a large-scale theatre company. I am an independent artist creating this project because it excites me artistically and I believe it is an important story to tell. I would not have been able to produce any of these workshops if it weren’t for my full-time job. This meant that I had to train after work, and on the weekends. I would spend most of my lunch hours working on my script. I collected my over-time hours so that I could take paid leave to produce the residencies. I’m not saying it was ideal for me to be working a full-time job while producing and performing in a large multidisciplinary project, but when grants didn’t come through I could keep going, and I wasn’t broke at the end of the day. For the emerging artist wondering how they can viably create and produce their own projects the long lens is a financially sustainable model.
“…the long lens approach allowed us many benefits which included developing characters, a script and movement with more depth, successfully integrating high level movement disciplines without sacrificing technique or causing injury and we didn’t go broke…”
I would like to add one more thing, and that is about deadlines. Yes, the long lens approach allowed us many benefits which included developing characters, a script and movement with more depth, successfully integrating high level movement disciplines without sacrificing technique or causing injury and we didn’t go broke, but it’s still important to have a deadline, even if that deadline is one year away. In fact we had many deadlines. I would make deadlines for new scripts, and meetings with my dramaturge and the creation workshops gave us deadlines for when we would present certain elements of the play. The time commitments kept us focused, and motivated.
All these qualities have taught me that a long-term creation plan, or “long lens” approach has many advantages and I would encourage any company looking at devised work, or interdisciplinary performance to consider adopting this model. It just might keep the art of theatre alive for generations to come.
Léda Davies on straps in Persephone Bound, performed at Cocktail Cirquantique, April 2017 in Montreal. Photo by Louis-Charles Dumai
February is one of my favorite months! The days are starting to get longer, it’s a short month so it feels easily accomplished and let’s face it I’m a sucker for Valentine’s Day.
To celebrate Valentine’s Day with all of you I’m posting my new favorite chocolate waffle recipe. It’s gluten and dairy free, and a great treat after your morning run (feel free to add a little extra protein on the side).
With no entry since October you must be wondering what I’ve been up to. Well, I’ve been busy to say the least. Scroll down to find out more about this circus monsters journey!
Training with Dynamo
Since September I have had the great privilege of training with the renowned physical theatre company for young audiences Dynamo Théâtre. We meet 3 times a week to develop our acrobatic and hand to hand skills.
When I began working with Dynamo my front handsprings were inconsistent, I couldn’t hold a handstand for longer than 30 sec and I had never partnered with another person.
Now I’m proud to say that I have a clean, consistent front handspring, I’ve done front flips off people shoulders and I’ve even been the base in a 2-high column.
Not only has my training with Dynamo Théâtre strengthened my acrobatic skills, it’s also introduced me to a whole new community of theatre artists in Montreal. As a bilingual Anglophone entering a Francophone environment I have become more confident communicating in French, which in turn has opened the door to new friendships and hopefully future collaborations.
Not one… but TWO cabarets!
I performed in the “Naughty Parent Cabaret” produced by Krin Haglund from November 30- December 1st 2016.
Sticking with the theme of “a night of grown-up only fun”, and poking fun at parenthood, (something I know very little about) I decided to go out of my comfort zone a bit. I created two new pieces for this cabaret. One was a song (melody borrowed from 4 Non Blonds, “What’s going on”) that I sang while playing the ukulele and the other was a physical comedy piece where I sported a huge baby bump, and struggled to do every day things like tying my shoes.
In January, my husband, and co-collaborator, Jed Tomlinson and I performed a 5-min love story using only legs at the OFFSIDE Wildside Theatre Festival at Centaur. It was a blast and we look forward to performing together again in the future.
Grants/ Funding
A big part of being a freelance artist and creating your own work means asking for money. Since January I have been working on grants to support my project “Persephone Bound”.
Spring 2017 I will be returning to the TOHU for a second creation residency with my team of collaborators.
In the meantime I’m working with an amazing team of dramaturgs at Playwright Workshop Montreal to complete the script for this multi-disciplinary production.
Stay tuned for more information on how you can help support this project!
Health and Well-being
As always, winter can be a tempting time to over indulge in sugary treats, or over eat while exercising less because it’s so darn cold outside.
That’s why for the month of February I’m going back to the basics. For me that means recording what I eat. It’s hard to know where I need to make changes to my diet if I don’t have an idea of where I’m slipping in the first place. Knowledge is power. That’s why I’m kicking off my health goals this month with the simple task of recording what and when I eat.
You can see an example of the type of food log I like to keep HERE
What do you do to stay on track of your health and wellness goals? Share in the comment section below.
“Sans Filet”- La TOHU Montreal, QC Photo Credit: Herve Leblay
I began the project “Persephone Bound” a year ago, although the experiences that have informed this project, and this method of creation, has been something I have ben developing for quite some time. I don’t recall the exact moment the myth of Persephone became my point of interest either, but I’m grateful it did. I have always been inspired by Greek Mythology, it’s larger than life nature, it’s dramatic and often devastating stories. As for the straps, I began taking classes on straps to strengthen my skills on silks. There was something about the simplicity of the equipment (in shape, not in technique), and the fact that with the straps the body become the main focus, that made me fall in love. One by one these elements began connecting to each other, and as I researched the story of Persephone, the movement on the straps become even more clear.
Part 1
November 2015
I performed a monologue on the silks (recovering from an injury meant straps were not possible) at a work-in-progress showcase in Toronto know as AER Time, curated by the talented circus women “Femmes de Feu”. In a way this performance launched the project. This was the first time my director (and husband) Jed Tomlinson and I worked together on a show that I had conceptualized, and that he was directing. Although we have collaborated on many theatre projects in the past (Shhh, Freak Show, and various cabarets). Jed and I were exploring a new type of process. We wanted to integrate the movement and text on the aerial equipment as authentically as possible. Some key things we learnt along the way were:
Poetic or virtuous movement is strongest when it is a metaphoric representation of the characters struggle, as opposed to mimicking the words being spoken.
All movements need to be carefully selected and justified.
The words spoken must be honest.
What is Virtuostic Movement?
To me, virtuostic movement is a demonstration of skill. For example, in Ballet, a virtuostic movement might be a series of fuettes. Usually this is a movement that the audience sees that they recognize as difficult, or that they themselves can’t do.
Circus is ALL about virtuostic movement. The emphasis in contemporary circus is on skill level and technique.
But, I’m a theatre artist and I believe in storytelling. I’m also a professional circus artist and I can do some pretty crazy things with my body. What Jed and I discovered was that if you’re going to put these movements, like the splits for example, into a performance it is important that the movement is justified, honest and it should avoid being a literal representation of what the character is saying.
The performance at AER Time in Toronto was a vital first step to our project. Adam Lazerus, a well know physical theatre creator and performer in Toronto facilitated the talk-back afterwards and also gave us many good questions to reflect on.
Find out more about Femmes du Feu and AER Time HERE
December-May
The project didn’t end at this 10-min presentation. I took all I had learnt from this experience and went to work. For the next 6 months I wrote, and re-wrote my script. I would trained rigorously on the straps. My goal was to gain as much strength, endurance and straps vocabulary as possible, so that when we entered into creation mode I would be ready.
Authentic Movement in the air:
On some of my training days I focused on creation. I took a theme, an image or an emotion that I was writing about in the script and I embodied that thought or image while in the equipment. This technique is inspired by Authentic Movement and my movement training with Val Campbell. While traditional Authentic Movement is not usually performed alone, I was able to glean from its guiding principals. With eyes closed I dropped the thought, or feeling into my body and I allowed my body to organically respond to it’s own internal clues. Using this technique I was able to discover new movements, new pathways, new ways of using the equipment. Now, instead of only having my wrists in the straps I had my legs, waist and even neck in the strap loops.
Authentic Movement:
Authentic movement was pioneered by Mary Whitehouse, and later was transformed into lay-practice by Janet Adler It is a movement practice that “physicalizes the active imagination”, where the mover and witness is asked to suspend judgement, interpretation and projection. (Recommended reading: Authentic Movement: Essays by Mary Starks Whitehouse, Janet Adler and Joan Chodorow)
All of this ground work was ensuring that my movements and text were authentic, and honest. And, because I was creating both the text and the movement at the same time I was ensuring that my choices were remaining justified.
Here’s an example of one of those movement explorations:
Part 2
June- July
At the end of June I began a 3-week creation blitz. I had the great fortune of getting a research and creation residency with La TOHU. These residencies are offered by La TOHU with the aim to “stimulate the evolution of circus aesthetics. It encourages the exploration of new forms and practices in the field by offering a space dedicated to research activities and innovative initiatives.” (http://tohu.ca/en/services/artists-services/research-and-creative-residences/)
During my 3-week creation period with Persephone Bound, it was vital to my process that the movement and the text were developed together in an organic way. The following is a brief overview of how that process was realized.
Text Process
I wrote the first draft of the script before the rehearsals started. Jed and I had several discussions about the content beforehand, and I wrote several other subsequent drafts.
I wanted to have a script as a frame work. I find it very helpful with devised theatre to have a text to work with, even if that text will change, and boy, did it ever change.
On the first day of our creation workshop we wrote down all the scenes on sticky notes and put them up on the wall. Then we literally cut up all the different versions of the script and placed the parts we liked under each scene.
Jed- At The Screaming Goat Collective Studio
Example of the cut up script (Screaming Goats Collective Studio)
Whenever we’d reach a hurdle in terms of the story line, we would begin a movement exploration or clown improvisation exercise.
Movement Process
The process for developing the movement, as well as applying the text to the movement was as follows….
1- Authentic Movement practice
Either Jed or myself would be ‘the mover’, and the other would act as ‘the witness’. The mover would drop an intention, word or character into their body. Then with eyes closed, they would let their body respond through movement to that intention word or thought. Sometimes sound or words would also come out. Once the mover felt like their expression of that thought was complete they would stop and open their eyes. Then the witness would repeat certain things that they saw. This was a technique I had used with Val Campbell when creating another solo show of mine “The Disembodied Lady”.
2- Gesture
After the Authentic Movement practice was complete I would then select some of the movements and develop them into gestures. Anne Bogart and Tina Landau describe gesture in their book The Viewpoints Book: A Practical Guide to Viewpoints and Composition as: “A shape with a beginning, a middle and an end” (p.9). When I’m turning an organic movement into a gesture, I’m defining it’s beginning middle and end. I’m memorizing it and being as specific as I can with it. Bogart and Landau go even further to breakdown gestures into “Behavioural Gestures” which “belongs to the concrete, physical world of human behaviour” (p. 9) and Expressive Gestures which “ express an inner state, an emotion, a desire, an idea or a value” (P. 10). The gestures that I was refining from the Authentic Movement practice were Expressive Gestures.
3- Work with choreographer to build movement phrases
Once I had collected enough gestures I began working with my choreographer, Lucie Vigneault, to expand the gestures into movement phrases. I like to describe a movement phrase as: a series of gestures with a beginning, a middle and an end. Something that Lucie helped me with was ensuring that the gestures didn’t become false once I incorporated them into a movement phrase. As if the gestures were words, and the movement phrase was a sentence.
The gesture cannot be an over exaggeration, or a demonstration of what you are already saying. If this happens the movement risks seeming false, exaggerated or unnecessary. The gesture is an opportunity to layer poetic suggestions or themes.- Notes from rehearsal
4- Apply the gestures and movement phrases to the aerial equipment through open improvisation with live percussion
From the beginning, I had a desire to incorporate live percussion into this project. Luckily, I had an insanely talented team of people working with me on this project, and Jed was one of them. Besides being my director, Jed is also an experienced drummer and he would accompany me live during our rehearsals at the National Circus School. In an open improvisation structure, Jed would play different rhythms on the drums and I would improvise with the movement phrases I had developed with Lucie, only this time I would incorporate them on the aerial equipment.
At the end of the improvisations, we would take an inventory of the sequences on the equipment that we liked and ask ourselves if we saw any possibility for them to be included in the show. After that, we would apply the text.
Sometimes the sequences were never put up in the air, but we would follow a similar process: Authentic Movement, Gesture, Movement phrase and apply movement to text.
Here I am exploring some text in the equipment
Other times we would take a step back from the open improvisation and use other strategies such as:
Exploring the aerial equipment as Architecture
Using Open Viewpoints to develop new floor patterns, or try integrating the text in a new way.
It is important to note that the development of text and movement was happening simultaneously. This is key because one would often influence another. We would begin the day working on the text, applying what we had discovered in the movement exploration the day before, and in the afternoon we would apply the changes in the script to new movement vocabularies.
This would happen continuously throughout the process. Writing, cut-ups, movement exploration, repeat.
I also feel compelled to mention that we had a lighting designer, Luc Valée drop-in to a couple of our rehearsals to offer his perspective. We would show him our progress and he would offer us ideas either for the script or for the staging. I can’t wait to perform the full-length show with his ideas!
Although we were not able to present a full-length performance of the new work in this particular residency, we were able to participate in a Sans-Filet hosted by La TOHU. “ A jump into the void” as the name suggests, the Sans-Filet was a public presentation of works-in-progress by various circus artists in Montreal, QC. We had decided to perform the opening section of the play, which begins by interacting with the audience, leading up to a 5 min performance on the straps. The presentation took place in front of nearly 800 people, and our act was warmly received by the audience.
Here is a sample of the work that was presented that the Sans-Filet in July 2015:
UPDATE:
This project is now being presented in partnership with Imago Theatre and Geordie Theatre. Here is an updated video!
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